he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
