So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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