I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
