i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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