I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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