Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
