im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
