John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
