I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
