he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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