i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
