I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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