please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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