just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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