I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
