Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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