We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
