a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
