I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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