My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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