her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
