last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
