i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
