You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
