So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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