So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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