is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
