did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
