3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
