whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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