angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
