just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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