Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need a burrito and a hug.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
