New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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