The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
