Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
