24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
