this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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