it hurts more in the daytime
4 words: hood of his car
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
