My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
