Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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