Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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