Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
