you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
