I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
