you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
