Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
