I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
