is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
