dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just invented taco cereal.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
