I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
